Posts Tagged ‘husband’

I am trying to live courageously. I recently read some where that courage is simply fear with faith. My daughter who is four has been struggling with fear. She is trying in her four year old way to understand heaven. She insists she doesn’t want to go there, ever! No matter how much I try to explain to her how fantastic and awesome it will be. Finally, the other day in a very small voice she said to me, “Mommy when I go there, will you hold me until I get there?” I swallowed my own tears and immediately told her yes!!! In her own little way she was still fearful but had faith that with me holding her it would be ok. Courage from my four year old!
I want my courage to break the chains that bind me to certain habits or sin and I know fear is a big part of that. For me there can be fear in learning how to live my life in the absence of my bad habit or sin. My fear has resulted in me creating so many different masks for myself, in the fear that this person needs to see me this way and a different person another way. Quite frankly, it is very exhausting and I don’t want to do it any more, so I’m not.
I am going to have faith that if a person doesn’t or can’t accept me for who I am then it is time to move on. And just for clarification, I am a sinner. I’m really good at it. It seems to come pretty natural to me. Sometimes my kids listen to inappropriate music and I let them, sometimes I scream at my kids and my husband. I lie, and have lied about lying. Sometimes I drink too much and sometimes I eat too much. I gossip and scorn people who do the same. I get envious of things I can’t have and buy things I shouldn’t and hide them from my husband. And I have spent a life time of caring way too much about what you think of me instead of focusing on how much God loves me despite all of my sins and bad habits.
I am going to work on sinning less. I am going to believe for the first time in my life that God doesn’t want a rule follower, He wants me. He wants me broken, ugly and with all my masks off. He loves me despite myself. I am going to judge less, and love more. I am going to speak the truth and hold my tongue, sometimes.
I am going to try and live courageously, knowing that my heavenly Father is holding me until I get to heaven and no matter what, I am safe with his arms around me.

Some days feel like all I have gathered up are missed opportunities. Missed opportunities with my kids. Good job honey, I can tell you are trying and I am proud of you. Awesome Job on the test! I knew you could do it! Way to go, you got the potty in the potty!

It happens with my husband, girl friends, sisters, neighbors and strangers too. It could be as simple as the missed opportunity of sharing a kind smile or hello. Or something deeper like the chance to connect with a loved one and forgive and forget.

It is days like these that hurt me the most. I want to build into my children, husband, other family and friends. And when I don’t, I cheat myself out of seeing the power of life giving thoughts and words.

I know that today won’t be the last day I feel this way but my prayer is that as I move through tomorrow I recognize the opportunity when it happens and that I then pull myself back on track and seize the moment!

Today is a Monday. I don’t know about you but Mondays tend to be pretty crazy for me and my family. I am going to try and start off my week staying tuned into as many opportunities that come my way today!!!

I hope you will join me!

As I write this my oldest son is on his 7th grade class trip to St. Louis. I really miss him. It’s not that we haven’t ever been apart and we are texting each other, something just feels different about this trip.
Maybe I should back up a bit. Last week as we were getting his stuff ready for the trip I surprised him with some of his favorite brownies to take with him to have in the room for a snack!!! What a great mom, I am!!! Wrong. He just looked at me like I was crazy and said, “I’m not taking those…” I thought wow; he is trying to eat healthier. I then informed him that I had washed his favorite pillow case so he could have it on the bus….ah, no, he didn’t plan on taking his pillow. Since he has been gone I have texted him several times wanting to know how it is going, who is he rooming with, did he take a shower….and can you believe all I am getting back are one word replies!!!
Later after thinking about the last few days and how he seems to be changing, I realized that this is just another part of him growing up and becoming his own person. My husband and I have always desired our children to be more independent….but now that it is happening…it is scary to me. I know these are very slight little things but it is like when a baby learns to roll over or sit themselves up, it is the first step in learning how to walk and in this case walk away.
It is what we try to prepare them for their whole lives. But I don’t think I have spent enough time preparing myself for when it really happens. I do not want to be the mother who does not know her boundaries but geez where did the time go…ok, ok, a little melodramatic. I still have 5 years until he is 18 and at least another 10 until he starts to seriously date, right? UGH! This is not going to go well. I have really got to get myself prepared….for letting go.

I am so blessed with the awesome life God has given me. A husband who loves me deeply and three children that I am crazy about!! Our 3rd child, Layla Grayce, came much later than our two sons Jacob and Noah. There are 9 years between Jacob and Layla and 7 between Noah and Layla. My husband and I went through several years of infertility before we became pregnant with her. In fact, we had stopped all infertility treatments and had come to accept God’s plan for us (My husband got there a lot faster than I did) when a few months later I became pregnant. God is so good!

Isn’t it amazing how much children can teach us? Before I became a mom I can remember thinking of the things I wanted to teach my children but I soon discovered, they ended up teaching me way more!!!

Today, Layla is three years old, and I am in school!!! She is teaching me every single hour she is awake!! Some of the things she teaches me, I have already been taught, I just needed reminded. Other things she teaches me are definitely, AH HA, moments. Here are just a few:

Sometimes a girl just needs to scream
Being held, even when you are mad at each other, is a good thing
Candy/chocolate makes me want to dance
Chocolate can be the ultimate deal maker or breaker
When it hurts…cry
Criss cross applesauce
Jump in the puddles!!
Take your shoes off and feel the grass between your toes
Balloons are awesome
I am beautiful
I am a ballerina
I make really ugly faces when I am angry
Girls ARE different than Boys
Elastic around the waist really is the best!
Dance when you hear the music
Giggling while drinking milk doesn’t work
Patience
Jesus is everywhere…be careful not to sit on Him

Deuteronomy 32:2
“Let my teaching fall like rain and my words descend like dew, like showers on new grass, like abundant rain on tender plants.” NIV

There are days when I don’t actually like myself very much. I know who I want to be and how I want others to see me but that doesn’t seem to be who I am.

Most of my family gets to experience who I am, unfortunately. I have such big plans for the type of mom, wife, sister, daughter and friend that I want to be. It seems like most of the time I can get in a zone and be really good at one of these but the others pretty much go neglected. All to often I lose it with my kids or my husband or I share something with someone that really wasn’t my information to share!!! Ugh!

Some may say that being “aware” of this is a step in the right direction. It is just so disappointing to me. There are times when I become “aware” that I am not behaving the way my heart truly desires and I do it anyway!!!

Recently, I was trying to teach my 3 year old daughter this very basic concept, “if you know it is wrong then don’t do it.” We had just adopted a stray kitten into our family and Layla and the kitten really didn’t hit it off. Actually, there was a lot of hitting, carrying by the neck and tail pulling going on. Bet you can guess who was doing all of the abuse! One particular time when she had gotten into trouble for the hitting I told her she was not allowed to touch the kitten for the rest of the day. She looked directly at me stuck out her index finger, slowly moved toward the kitten and touched her!! She knew she wasn’t supposed to do it but she did it anyway! Sigh….

The good news is, that God forgives my failure as long as I repent and have a heart that truly desires to get it right.
Thank you Lord for loving me even though I am disobedient most of the time. I continually remind myself that who I am is, a treasured child of God!!!

Oh, and by the way, Layla and the kitten continue to work it out. It’s not perfect but the kitten seems to forgive her because every night I find the kitten snuggled up against Layla in her bed.

Ephesians 2:4-5
“But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.”