Posts Tagged ‘Heavenly’

I am failing. I feel most days truly like a failure. In Webster’s dictionary Failure is defined as: The condition or fact of not achieving the desired end or Nonperformance of what is requested or expected.

Why do I feel this way? How am I failing? I feel I am failing because I continue to struggle everyday with the understanding of God’s plan for my life. I want change. I want my life to be easier. I want to have a heart that is filled with joy and only spills out joy and love to everyone around me. I want to be in control of my emotions with the people I love. I want to feel love for all of the people I know I should love.

I want God to hear my cries today and answer me, now. Clearly, answer me, tell me it will be better and here is how it is going to get better. I cling to his promises for my life, but doubt the reality in my life today.

I can’t stop myself from feeling unheard, unworthy, and I know that these feelings and beliefs come only from the evil one and that makes me feel like I am failing again.

I want to be a better mom. I want my children to always feel love from me never fear. I want to be able to step back take a breath and have patience with my children, but my tank feels so empty.

I want to be a better wife. I want to feel grace for him. I want to be his biggest cheerleader. I want to have respect for him even when he hurts me. I want him to feel safe in our relationship.

I want to be a better friend. I want my friends to always feel like they are being built up, never torn down by me. I want them to trust me. I want them to need me as much as I desperately need them.

I want to be a better daughter. I want my parents to always feel appreciated and honored. I want my mother-in-law to feel like I am honoring to her son. I want to make my parents proud.

I want to be a better sister. I want to always have time for my siblings when they need me. I want to stay connected with them. I want to remember/ask about what is going on in there lives and listen to them.

I want to be a better child of God. I want to know in my soul that my heavenly father doesn’t think I am a failure. I want to hear his voice. I want always to honor him; in want I say and do.

I am not there yet. I am trying. Pray for me. Pray for a heart that continues to desire these changes even when I only feel failure. Pray for me to be able to see change in myself no matter how small.

Pray for me to embrace the gift of grace during my journey, and stay the course; don’t take the easy way around anything I need to change.

Being the middle child really is tough.  I have always considered myself the middle child.  There is four of us, my brother first and then three girls.  I am the middle girl, so I consider myself the middle child. (Maybe a stretch but it has worked out for me so far!)

I am a mother of three, so for those literal types out there, I have a “real” middle child.  He is my joy and fear at the same time.  God is so masterful in how he creates each one of us.  All of my children have such unique personalities.  This was very frustrating at first.  When I felt like I had gotten something figured out with my first child, it would have been nice to use that knowledge on the other two as they came along….but that wasn’t part of God’s design for me as a parent!! I have had to learn different ways to get my children to obey, be motivated and communicate their feelings.

My Noah, oh my Noah.  How I love him.  He is the spitting image of his Daddy.  He is creative, outgoing, competitive, has a heart for Jesus and I think, very handsome!!  Why then, do I struggle, in connecting with him as his mother?  It is a shameful thing to admit that I struggle with this.

Noah is also, a strong willed child.  We butt heads on almost everything.  Sometimes the drama that he creates around some of the simplest things, like putting on his shoes, dumbfounds me.  In my most sacred parts of my soul, I know some of my struggle comes from how much I see of myself in him.

This inner struggle he seems to have, to be heard, noticed, and given praise is never fulfilled.  But is it ever in any of us?  Maybe I relate to his struggle because I am a middle child too.  I have always tried to fill him up because I know what a life of never feeling full can lead to.  I want him to learn from my mistakes and feel full, heard, noticed and known.

In an attempt to continue to fill him up, I started leaving him Notes on his desk 2 or 3 times a week.  Saying things like, “you have a beautiful smile” or “I am so happy God let me be your mom”….and then last week while I was writing one of my notes to him, it hit me, God has left all of us notes to help fill us up.  Notes that give encouragement, security, love, forgiveness and grace.  We can find all of His notes in the Bible.  God is the only thing that can fill any of us up.  So my notes for Noah became scripture.  Notes that Noah’s heavenly Father has sent for him.  I just get to be the messenger!

Thank you Lord, for your book full of notes for all of us. Thank you Lord, for filling me up!  Thank you Lord, for letting me be Noah’s mom.

Go check your book full of notes from the One and only God of the Universe.  He has written them just for you.

Romans 8:38-39 (New Living Translation)

³⁸ And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[a] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. ³⁹ No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.