Posts Tagged ‘God’

I love sports. I understand sports better than most females… mainly three of them, baseball, basketball and football. I am the chic who can explain why a runner was called out, why a player fouled out and why our team was just given the ball back. I have never held a “legal” coaching position, but believe me I do A LOT of coaching from the sidelines, bleachers and my folding chair! Both of my boys play baseball, football and basketball, surprise!! One of them asked to play hockey once, ONCE.

So, it is football season and I find myself twice a week attending football games and coaching from the bleachers. The bad thing about coaching from the bleachers is that you have to yell really loud. A girl has got to do what she has to do, right?

My oldest son plays for his middle school and the parents for the most part are very, very quiet, except for one. I do not yell anything negative at the players but I do yell and call them ALL out when they do something great. I can tell sometimes that other parents are trying to figure me out and I always feel really bad for the parent who knows me, sits by me and then gets to experience me at a football game.

I started thinking maybe I should have a t-shirt printed with a disclaimer statement on the back of it or a big yellow blanket with the words “splash zone” printed on it to keep the innocent away.

I want my faith to be loud like this. I don’t want to scare anyone but I want to feel so excited and over come that when I see God working in my life or someone else’s that I scream with joy and encouragement. I want to stand up and cheer, and ooh and awe with all of God’s fans. I pray for a day that just by the way I live my life it is as if I have a megaphone, leading the crowd in a cheer for Jesus. Gimme a J… gimme an E…

Maybe one day my “splash zone” blanket will become a place where people want to sit and cheer with me. And I pray that one day; my faith brings people into God’s splash zone. Bring your rain coat because you are definitely gonna get wet.

I am trying to live courageously. I recently read some where that courage is simply fear with faith. My daughter who is four has been struggling with fear. She is trying in her four year old way to understand heaven. She insists she doesn’t want to go there, ever! No matter how much I try to explain to her how fantastic and awesome it will be. Finally, the other day in a very small voice she said to me, “Mommy when I go there, will you hold me until I get there?” I swallowed my own tears and immediately told her yes!!! In her own little way she was still fearful but had faith that with me holding her it would be ok. Courage from my four year old!
I want my courage to break the chains that bind me to certain habits or sin and I know fear is a big part of that. For me there can be fear in learning how to live my life in the absence of my bad habit or sin. My fear has resulted in me creating so many different masks for myself, in the fear that this person needs to see me this way and a different person another way. Quite frankly, it is very exhausting and I don’t want to do it any more, so I’m not.
I am going to have faith that if a person doesn’t or can’t accept me for who I am then it is time to move on. And just for clarification, I am a sinner. I’m really good at it. It seems to come pretty natural to me. Sometimes my kids listen to inappropriate music and I let them, sometimes I scream at my kids and my husband. I lie, and have lied about lying. Sometimes I drink too much and sometimes I eat too much. I gossip and scorn people who do the same. I get envious of things I can’t have and buy things I shouldn’t and hide them from my husband. And I have spent a life time of caring way too much about what you think of me instead of focusing on how much God loves me despite all of my sins and bad habits.
I am going to work on sinning less. I am going to believe for the first time in my life that God doesn’t want a rule follower, He wants me. He wants me broken, ugly and with all my masks off. He loves me despite myself. I am going to judge less, and love more. I am going to speak the truth and hold my tongue, sometimes.
I am going to try and live courageously, knowing that my heavenly Father is holding me until I get to heaven and no matter what, I am safe with his arms around me.

I am blessed with sisters, biological and chosen. I have some radical sisters. I have some conservative sisters too. Sisters who have promised to defend me even when I am wrong and who will walk beside me through all times of my life the good and the bad. They will wade into the deep water with me and help me reach dry land. My sisters will stand in the rain with me, sit in the silence with me, yell over the noise with me, and speak to my inner child like only another woman can. They will eat chocolate, drink wine and complain with me about not losing weight. My sisters will notice my new shirt, haircut or lip gloss. They will tell me when something looks good and when it doesn’t. My sisters will let me know when there is something in my teeth, my hair or nose. They pass down the word to all of my other sisters when I am hurting, make a human life line and pray with me through it all. We share our dreams of living in an all women commune together someday, where all of the dirty socks are in the hamper and the toilet seats are always left down. They remember what is important to me. They share recipes, and secret miracle cures. Some of them I have shared my whole life with and some I have known for just a little while. Some I talk to everyday and some I may have not talked to in a couple of years, but still we are sisters. None of them are exactly the same, some very different from each other, some are younger than me some are older, some are skinny some are not, some cuss and drink some would never do either of those, some have quiet voices and some scream a lot! Some are blond, brunette and red heads, and some of them have been all three. Some of them live right down the street and some a cross the country. And that is exactly how God designed it, my circle of sisters, He uses them to hug me, tickle me and wipe away my tears. They are His voice, His hands and feet. They are the reality of “you are never alone, for I am with you all the days of your life”. They are His gift to me everyday as a reminder of His love for me. They are my sisters.

A lump in my breast really wasn’t what I had planned for the day. Ugh! Not now. Not that I really wanted to schedule a time that I thought would be good, “Ah…yes next Tuesday at 9 am that would be a great time to discover a lump in my breast as long as I can be to Layla’s dance class by 10:15….”

At first I didn’t really feel scared about the lump, I was more worried about finding a sitter for my three year old during the mammogram and ultrasound. Once I had that figured out I let myself start to think about my own mortality.

Of course, I think about my kids and the things I would miss if I were to die now. First kisses, dates, car driving, high school, college, marriage, grandkids….that would really stink. I think of my husband. Oh man, he could never handle all of this alone!! But I’m not sure I want anyone else raising my kids or being a wife to him! Hmpf!! Now I’m getting mad!

I wonder what people would say about me? It’s not like I have discovered the cure for cancer or a way to end world hunger…..hmmmmm.

May 25, 2010

Tami Rae Swore Kellerman (Boogie)
39 (It’s my obit, I can be however old I want!!) of Rockford, Il passed away Tuesday, May 25, 2010 after a long battle with never ending piles of laundry, dirty dishes left in the sink and socks that could never seem to find the hamper.
Tami was born at St. Luke’s hospital in Cedar Rapids, Iowa to Chuck and Carol Swore of Cedar Rapids, Iowa. They have 3 other children who really don’t need to be mentioned right now, because this is MY obituary!!!! She married Michael Byron Kellerman, in Cedar Rapids, he was her high school sweetheart, on a rainy day in May, 1991.
She graduated from Thomas Jefferson High School and some days wishes those days had never ended! Or that they had never happened.(depends on the day) She received her BS in Psychology with a minor in Journalism from the University of Northern Iowa.(Yes, the same ones that BEAT Kansas during March madness this year.) She received her Masters in Public Administration from Valdosta State University.
Awards ahhhh…Miss Iowa American Co-ed 1988(thanks mom!!), Rookie of the year for Kings Bay Rotary Club(What? There wasn’t a lot to do in Kings Bay GA!!!) I think I have some coffee mugs that say “best mom”……
She is survived by Michael Kellerman of Rockford, her sons, Jacob and Noah and a daughter, Layla all of Rockford, her nephews and nieces, 16 of them; to many to write out and this is about ME…..
She was preceded in death by her paternal grandparents and maternal grandpa, 3 unnamed children but I suspect I could have a whole tribe in heaven…just sayn.
Services will be held in a church and lead by a person of faith followed by a lunch/dinner with all of her favorite foods!!!

Tami loved God and her family and friends. She desperately wanted to be the person God designed her to be and a loving wife, loyal friend, supportive sister, honoring daughter and a mom who taught her children to live their lives with Christ as their guide.

Almost forgot to mention, lump was a cyst, nothing to worry about!!! But a blessing in giving me some perspective!

You know that saying, “garbage in garbage out”? I was wondering, is that always true? I mean can you ever put garbage in and not get garbage out? Could you put high quality non-garbage in and get garbage out? And by the way, I am pretty sure that this saying came from a mother desperately trying to convince her child that Lucky Charms is not the best way to begin and end your day. However, they are magically delicious, it says so right on the box!

The statement could also be an effort to make people think about the information they allow into their minds everyday. Something along the lines of, if you only listen to negative people talking about negative issues then you will begin to think in a negative way. I whole heartedly agree with this but is there a way to change up the negative info coming in and make it positive? I think so.

We live in such a heightened awareness of environmentally safe products, that I started thinking about, how as a person, I can change the trajectory of my thoughts, from garbage into environmentally safe renewable energy. The compost of the information one person can take in on any given day is incredible, but what if we could take all of that garbage and turn it into reusable positive information!!!

Please understand, this isn’t an easy conversion to make and it is one that involves help from someone who is the authority on turning bad to good, hate to love, and garbage to environmentally safe renewable energy!!

One of my favorite authors’s, John Ortberg, has written extensively on the idea of staying in the flow of the Holy Spirit, and connected to God, in his latest book, The Me I Want to Be. He describes a gap that exists between who I am and who God designed me to be and the only way to bridge that gap, is to live in grace. Receive God’s grace and when I fail, which I will, God will send another wave of grace that I need to receive again and keep on fighting the fight!

In other words, I need to stay connected to God; so that when he sends another wave of grace I am able to receive it. When I put my focus on everything else around me, worldly things, it becomes a lot more difficult to tap into those waves. This isn’t just about trying harder, I cannot manufacture renewable energy on my own, the Holy Spirit comes to me in those waves that John writes about and brings me power, joy and rest to use toward becoming the best positive version of myself.

This positive output or renewable energy is the type of fuel I know I am going to need on my journey to becoming the best mom, wife, sister, daughter, and girlfriend I want to be. So, garbage in, garbage out? Not always! Some may even say there is a little bit of “magically deliciousness” involved!!

These are a few things my kids have taught me about being a mom:

Unconditional/instantaneous love
Patience
Practice what you preach
Priorities
Not even a lake full of feces would keep me from my babies
One day you will attempt to “catch” puke
Skin will only stretch so far
Pick and Choose your battles
At some point you will say something and think your own mom just spoke
Time marches on
It really is all about the little things
The gut wrenching sadness of empty arms while waiting for a baby and after the loss of one
Eternal Hope of seeing all my babies in heaven
It’s all about sharing
Other people’s kids poop is NOT the same as your own kids….
It’s not about me and it really never was
Sometimes it’s ok for your three year old to eat Brownies for breakfast…
No matter how many books you read or advise you get, with some things you just have to listen to your intuition
The mess will wait for you
Laundry really is never all done…
It is definitely a smile not gas…
You can NOT spoil a baby by holding it too much
Take more pictures/take more video
One day the house will be clean, quiet, and you will have lots of time to yourself
No two children are the same…same genetics but very different outcomes!
The first cup (athletic supporter) can cause extreme jealousy
I am a ballerina in my daughter’s eyes

A special Happy Mother’s day to my mommy, Carol Ann Swore.

“Mom you have loved me during some of the hardest times of my life and at times when I know I wasn’t that easy to love. You have taught me how to love God, be a good wife, be a good daughter, a good sister and a good mom. Sorry for any of the heart ache I have ever caused you and thank you for being my mom. Thank you for always encouraging me and giving me the freedom to become what ever I wanted to become. Thank you for the gift of laughter that has helped me find my place in this world. You and Dad have always been willing audience members no matter what I was doing! Thank you for coming to EVERYTHING while I was growing up; all the sports events, music events and drama events (some that I created on my own!) Thank you for loving my kids the way you do. Thank you for being such an awesome Grandma!! I love you very much! Have a great day, Tami”

Below is a journal entry of mine from over a year ago. It struck me how even a year later I still cry out this prayer but from a much different place in my life today. A year ago it may have been more about him protecting me while I simply did nothing. Today, I realize that sometimes in order for Him to protect me I need to be willing to let Him!! I hope you all are crying out to our God daily.

“Oh, God how you love me even when I cannot love myself.
I disgust myself, but you love me.

I am not worthy of such love, the love of a parent.
The disappointment of a parent, I know you must feel as I continue to disappoint you, but still I feel your love and protection from the things you know tempt me and harm me the most.

Please be my shelter, my ever encompassing blanket of compassion that my soul so desperately searches for.

Your love builds me up; your love delivers me from myself.

Give me strength to be the person I know you designed me to be.

Let me glorify you in triumph over the things that continue to tempt me and pull me off course.

Help me to see even the smallest offense and to not ignore the huge glaring hole in my soul that I know only you can fill.
Let me have the strength and courage to let you fill them.

Help me live out loud and not in the shadows.
Help me take off my mask and to be seen for whom I really am and just how far from where I want to be.

Help me look at my failure straight on and acknowledge it daily but to not drown myself in self pity and denial.

Give me the strength to break the binds that hold me in bondage to the things of this world that I so desperately crave.

Let me find my self worth in how I live my life to glorify you and only you.

Let me be filled up with your pleasure and pride in how I have overcome.

Hold me father, wrap your loving arms around me and rock me back and forth telling me “I will get there, I will be the person you want me to be.”

Humble me when that is what I need.
Push me to my knees time and time again in worship and praise for who you are and who I am not.

Let my heart and soul find value in the things you value the most.

Protect me from myself Lord.”

My teenager is going through a growth spurt. He has woken me up several nights in a row with bad cramps in the calves of his legs. Remember those? Ugh…those things were the worst. Kind of like the “hurtsdontit” my brother used to give me in my arm, (“Do you want a hurtsdontit?” He asks, I hear “Do you want a herz donut?”) but these were in Jacob’s calves and they weren’t to eat.

I’m going through a growth spurt too and truthfully it’s painful also. I want so much to have my life truly be God honoring and pleasing. I don’t know about any of you, but I need a lot of work. One of the biggest things I need to let go of are the things I cannot change.

There are some aspects of my life, that no matter how close I get to being the woman that God designed me to be, that will not change. That is really frustrating to me. I guess I have been fooling myself into thinking that if I change, my attitude will change and my view of everything around me will change and some how because of that other people will change too! I change and maybe my ability to demonstrate love to others changes but difficult people won’t change because I did. Ewe that hurts as much a new stretch mark on unadulterated skin! (Another type of “growing” pain)

Sometimes I just want to try and get God to just change me instantly! Poof! Now I am where I have always desired to be. I mean too much stretching and growing isn’t good for anybody or anything. Stretched out turtle necks, bad. Stretched out skin, BAD. Stretched out rubber bands, bad….right?

What’s even worse is that, I can not let myself be motivated to change, in the hopes that it will change someone else in my life. They are who they are and God has designed them with a very specific plan too!

So, I continue to stretch and grow maybe even recoil every once in awhile but I will stay committed to my ultimate goal of becoming the mom, wife, daughter, sister, girlfriend and woman God created me to be.

I have been described many different ways in my life; some of them flattering (in a twisted way that only my brain could think of as flattering) and some of them not. One of my favorites is “Mama Bear”. Yes, I like my porridge cooled down and my furniture ultra soft but that is not the type of Mama Bear I am referring to. This Mama Bear is the ultimate protector, who has the wild animal instinct that says, “I will mess you up if you mess with my kid”, kinda bear. Truly, there have been times in my life that I have actually beat up furniture because it had a sharp edge that caught the toe, knee or forehead of one of my babies. And as my children have gotten older that instinct has not subsided. There have been times that my children have been hurt by other children or adults and I have spent time thinking of ways to “get back” at those brats!! Luckily, I have never actually acted out those thoughts but I have been tempted. Pretty sick I know and seriously a whole other issue for therapy. I do believe that all moms have a natural instinct to protect their babies from any type of impending danger. I guess that is why as the Easter season approaches I keep thinking about Mary.

Mary, what an awesome example of a mom/woman who trusted God in all things; she was human though. I can’t help but wonder if she ever felt protective of Jesus when other kids picked on him? What kind of panic did she feel when she and Joseph couldn’t find him when he was 12 and had went to the Temple to teach. There have been times when my kids have been “misplaced” for only a couple of minutes or seconds, and it has felt like an eternity for me. And then finally, when Jesus was 33, but still her child, her baby, and He was falsely accused, beaten, betrayed and murdered.

The pain she must have felt as a mother must have been hollowing. A pain that takes everything you have and leaves you an empty shell. She could do nothing to stop what was happening. She stayed with him until the very end. Did she ever want to run away from it all? To try and chase it away like a nightmare she just needed to wake herself from? Did others have to hold her back from running to Him and trying to comfort Him as only a mommy can? Did she hate them for holding her back? Did she scream to God, “Save Him or Make it stop?” Were her screams heard above all the other noise of the crowd? Did other moms there that day feel her pain and choke back their own sobs of knowing and understanding? Because even if she knew this had to happen, she was human and she was His mom.

I can only imagine the next couple of days as all of those around her tried to comfort her and remind her of God’s plan for Jesus. This probably gave her comfort and as she headed out to prepare His body for a final bath she was still His mom. What types of thoughts went through her head when His body wasn’t there that morning? Panic, helplessness, hopelessness, or even resentment that this last act as a mother had been denied
.
Or did some part of her see it coming? Was there a motherly instinct that told her, this is going to be ok, as her heart started to beat faster and faster as she raced back to tell the others that He was not in the tomb? She must have felt dizzy with joy as He revealed Himself and demonstrated that He had conquered death. Tears again, but this time tears of relief and happiness! He is Risen!! He lives!! Glory to God on the Highest!!!!
This by the way, is the ultimate payback to all of those little and big brats who hurt Him and thought they could defeat Him! I’m just sayn……..

Do you hear me God!!! Are you listening God? I’m screaming!! Why? Why not? This is where I live some days. I just don’t get it. I don’t understand why it seems as though God is denying me something that is not only good for me but also His Kingdom!

I pray and pray for answered prayer and sometimes I hear the answer and sometimes I don’t but that never means that my prayer hasn’t been answered.

In September of 2002, I had my first miscarriage. It was such a complete shock, I had already heard the baby’s heartbeat and didn’t anticipate any issues with my pregnancy. Michael and I were both healthy and had already had two uneventful pregnancies.

As painful as it was, I knew almost immediately that we would try again. After six months with no success, I started to become panicked. What if I didn’t get pregnant again? Why do I have such a desire to have another child? Michael and I have been blessed with two beautiful sons that we adore! Why do I still feel like my arms are empty? I prayed these questions almost every night.

We started an infertility program and spent the next year riding a roller coaster ride that I wouldn’t allow us to get off. I was able to conceive two more times but lost the pregnancies early. I remember my husband trying to console me and redirect my focus back to the blessings that we had instead of what wasn’t and thought, “Oh great now your giving up!”

I had a dear friend say to me one day, “God has placed the desire for you to have a child on your heart for a reason, it just may not be the reason you think it is.”

I was stunned at this comment. I can remember lots of blinking and starting a “yeah but” reply several times. As this new idea sunk in, I started to pray in a different way, “God help me to see your will for me in this. Or, God help me find peace if it is not part of your plan for me to have another child.”

Slowly, I came to accept that another baby just wasn’t what was going to happen. My husband and I both felt mentally exhausted and had such a huge sence of release and peace when we decided to stop the infertility treatments. It was strange what I had feared for so long, giving up the control, actually brought me peace in the end.

I started to focus more on God’s plan and will for my life and cherishing some of the little things in life with my family. It was a complete shock in late November of 2005, when I missed a period and discovered I was pregnant!!

I truly believe that God’s desire was for me to put my trust in him and recline in His loving arms and when I did that, I was blessed with a beautiful baby girl on July 5th, 2006.

I wish I could say that I always trust His plan and His will for my life; there are still times that I want something so badly and don’t understand why I don’t get it! And there have been times when the answer to my prayers is not the one I prayed for. We don’t always get what we want because we pray for it, but I know that he does answer our prayers according to His will and His love for us.

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