Posts Tagged ‘failure’

My husband and I have been married for 18 years, 10 months and 6 days or 165,238 hours and counting, of married life have passed us by, all in an instant. When I think back to the young couple of 165,238 hours ago, they seem sometimes to be more like long lost friends. We started dating the summer before our senior year in high school and after the first year, getting married eventually was always part of our long term plan.

I always knew I wanted to be married and have children but I also had grown up in a time when having a career and being successful on my own was seen as a must, otherwise you were a woman living subservient to your husband and all men. I received my degree in Psychology with a minor in journalism and a few years later went on to get my Masters degree in Public Administration. I was on my way, establishing my career and putting a family on hold.

We were the generation of DINK…(dual income no kids), through most of the late 80’s and early 90’s women were breaking the glass ceiling and as a women we were being told by the media, that women can and should have successful careers and a well balanced family life. Focusing on your career and focusing equally on having and raising children was possible and those who couldn’t and choose to stay home with their children were taking all women backward! Thank goodness I didn’t buy into this.

It can be such a paradigm; it is like we are expected to be superwomen. Men were not expected to do it ALL and do it all successfully. I believe that is why so many women today have waited to get married. They are focusing on their careers, realizing you can’t do everything, and by the time they feel established in their career, they are in their 40’s and alone.

For me it has all been about balance and still is today. I have my degrees and my husband and I decided when our first child was 18 months old, that I would stay home with him. It is not a glamorous life but my children do give me a lot of material to write about. I still struggle with finding balance and keeping negative thoughts about what I should or should not be doing with my life, out of my head.

I believe the missing message for women today, in part, is that you can get married young, or wait. You can get your degree and use it immediately or wait. You can start a family as a young couple or wait. The beauty of our lives as women today is that we HAVE options. No need to panic if you need to wait on meeting the guy right for you.

The second part of the missing message is, we are all flawed and broken. There has only been one Mr. Perfect, and he is not looking to get married. But he would love to have a relationship with you and the best part he already loves you more than any other human being ever will!!!!

I am failing. I feel most days truly like a failure. In Webster’s dictionary Failure is defined as: The condition or fact of not achieving the desired end or Nonperformance of what is requested or expected.

Why do I feel this way? How am I failing? I feel I am failing because I continue to struggle everyday with the understanding of God’s plan for my life. I want change. I want my life to be easier. I want to have a heart that is filled with joy and only spills out joy and love to everyone around me. I want to be in control of my emotions with the people I love. I want to feel love for all of the people I know I should love.

I want God to hear my cries today and answer me, now. Clearly, answer me, tell me it will be better and here is how it is going to get better. I cling to his promises for my life, but doubt the reality in my life today.

I can’t stop myself from feeling unheard, unworthy, and I know that these feelings and beliefs come only from the evil one and that makes me feel like I am failing again.

I want to be a better mom. I want my children to always feel love from me never fear. I want to be able to step back take a breath and have patience with my children, but my tank feels so empty.

I want to be a better wife. I want to feel grace for him. I want to be his biggest cheerleader. I want to have respect for him even when he hurts me. I want him to feel safe in our relationship.

I want to be a better friend. I want my friends to always feel like they are being built up, never torn down by me. I want them to trust me. I want them to need me as much as I desperately need them.

I want to be a better daughter. I want my parents to always feel appreciated and honored. I want my mother-in-law to feel like I am honoring to her son. I want to make my parents proud.

I want to be a better sister. I want to always have time for my siblings when they need me. I want to stay connected with them. I want to remember/ask about what is going on in there lives and listen to them.

I want to be a better child of God. I want to know in my soul that my heavenly father doesn’t think I am a failure. I want to hear his voice. I want always to honor him; in want I say and do.

I am not there yet. I am trying. Pray for me. Pray for a heart that continues to desire these changes even when I only feel failure. Pray for me to be able to see change in myself no matter how small.

Pray for me to embrace the gift of grace during my journey, and stay the course; don’t take the easy way around anything I need to change.

I am really not interested in making resolutions that I won’t keep. Call me crazy but I hate setting myself up for failure! It doesn’t look very pretty on me. So instead I had this crazy idea, what if instead I didn’t run from 2009, but focus on last year as I move into 2010.
I mean it when I write that I am committed to growing and becoming the woman I know God has created me to be. If I don’t look at 2009 and examine how I did last year on my journey then I may never get anywhere. It is kind of like Scooby Doo and Shaggy right before they run from the monster…they start running but don’t move at all. Their feet are moving but they aren’t getting anywhere. They don’t have any traction. I want traction. I want to make a path and take a bold step in the right direction.

What if all of us focused on 2009 while we move toward 2010? See the mistakes that we made and learn from them. Bring that knowledge into 2010 and apply it to our lives this year. Embrace our success and bring that with us also.

I am not going to create a list of resolutions; I am going to create an action plan. A plan that has steps to get me further down the path and an accountability partner that can check in with me every once in a while and see how I am doing!!

I don’t know that I will be anymore successful; I hope I am, but I do know that I want to learn from the good and the bad of last year. I want to keep moving forward while I watch what is behind me!!

God bless you all!! Thanks so much for your support! Please keep me in your prayers and feel free to comment anytime. (It lets me know I am not just “singing in the shower”)

Tami