Posts Tagged ‘Christ’

I think I need a change. Time to move on; cut my losses and don’t look back. I’m thinking about turning in my resignation. I am resigning from my position as nurse, maid, taxi driver, psychologist, chief, cheerleader, accountant, fashion advisor, gardener, car detailer, value setter, tutor and sex kitten. It’s time. There have been some things that have been asked of me that I am pretty sure were not in my job description as wife and mom. Things like, spending most of my adult life hauling whining children around in what at one time was a fairly nice vehicle but today resembles and smells more like a men’s locker room at the YMCA.

Some days I don’t want to be a mom or a wife. I just want to be me. I don’t want to take care of anyone but myself. I want to be selfish. I want to spend the day sleeping, watching TV or take the secret stash of health bars and eat them all at once if I feel like it. I love my children and my husband but some days I just feel done. It’s not necessarily anything they have done or not done, my tank is just empty. It is this deep disconnect in my soul with Tami, the real Tami. Not the mom/wife that everyone else needs me to be.

Sometimes I day dream about taking off going off on my own, leaving town, starting over new, for some reason this dream always involves a convertible, my long hair and a white scarf around my head blowing out behind me. In reality, it is a vehicle that smells like the Y, hair that hasn’t been washed in a couple of days and someone attempting to hit me in the head with their favorite blankie…ahhh.

Some days I don’t want to be a daughter or a friend. I don’t want to have any responsibility for any of these relationships. I don’t want to have the right words for you to help heal your pain or be a shoulder for you. I don’t want to wear the mask I have made to fit perfectly to my face anymore. I want to be free from expectations and illusions that I have spent a life time mastering. I just want to be. And yet I know that you are the shoulder I lean on and that you are where I feel most at home. I need to be a daughter and friend. I need those relationships, advice and good food.

Some days I don’t want to be a Christian woman or a child of God. I don’t want to have a conscious. I don’t want to demonstrate the love of Christ to the needy. I feel needy. I want to run and hide from my heavenly Father and I want Him to search me out. I want Him to come looking for me, to miss me. I want His love to draw me back.

It’s not everyday but I feel this way more often than I would like to admit. So just incase anyone else ever feels this way, know that you are not alone. And if you have never felt this way, and can’t ever imagine feeling this way, there is something seriously wrong with you and “de Nile” isn’t just a river in Egypt!

A lump in my breast really wasn’t what I had planned for the day. Ugh! Not now. Not that I really wanted to schedule a time that I thought would be good, “Ah…yes next Tuesday at 9 am that would be a great time to discover a lump in my breast as long as I can be to Layla’s dance class by 10:15….”

At first I didn’t really feel scared about the lump, I was more worried about finding a sitter for my three year old during the mammogram and ultrasound. Once I had that figured out I let myself start to think about my own mortality.

Of course, I think about my kids and the things I would miss if I were to die now. First kisses, dates, car driving, high school, college, marriage, grandkids….that would really stink. I think of my husband. Oh man, he could never handle all of this alone!! But I’m not sure I want anyone else raising my kids or being a wife to him! Hmpf!! Now I’m getting mad!

I wonder what people would say about me? It’s not like I have discovered the cure for cancer or a way to end world hunger…..hmmmmm.

May 25, 2010

Tami Rae Swore Kellerman (Boogie)
39 (It’s my obit, I can be however old I want!!) of Rockford, Il passed away Tuesday, May 25, 2010 after a long battle with never ending piles of laundry, dirty dishes left in the sink and socks that could never seem to find the hamper.
Tami was born at St. Luke’s hospital in Cedar Rapids, Iowa to Chuck and Carol Swore of Cedar Rapids, Iowa. They have 3 other children who really don’t need to be mentioned right now, because this is MY obituary!!!! She married Michael Byron Kellerman, in Cedar Rapids, he was her high school sweetheart, on a rainy day in May, 1991.
She graduated from Thomas Jefferson High School and some days wishes those days had never ended! Or that they had never happened.(depends on the day) She received her BS in Psychology with a minor in Journalism from the University of Northern Iowa.(Yes, the same ones that BEAT Kansas during March madness this year.) She received her Masters in Public Administration from Valdosta State University.
Awards ahhhh…Miss Iowa American Co-ed 1988(thanks mom!!), Rookie of the year for Kings Bay Rotary Club(What? There wasn’t a lot to do in Kings Bay GA!!!) I think I have some coffee mugs that say “best mom”……
She is survived by Michael Kellerman of Rockford, her sons, Jacob and Noah and a daughter, Layla all of Rockford, her nephews and nieces, 16 of them; to many to write out and this is about ME…..
She was preceded in death by her paternal grandparents and maternal grandpa, 3 unnamed children but I suspect I could have a whole tribe in heaven…just sayn.
Services will be held in a church and lead by a person of faith followed by a lunch/dinner with all of her favorite foods!!!

Tami loved God and her family and friends. She desperately wanted to be the person God designed her to be and a loving wife, loyal friend, supportive sister, honoring daughter and a mom who taught her children to live their lives with Christ as their guide.

Almost forgot to mention, lump was a cyst, nothing to worry about!!! But a blessing in giving me some perspective!

If you’re anything like me, awesome, I love people like me, then you love to cheer for the underdog!!! You know what I mean, the kid who was always picked last, the person who defies all odds and is successful, David versus Goliath, or a basketball team from a midsize college in Iowa taking on the big schools and winning!!! I am a proud alumnus from the University of Northern Iowa and they did just that and are playing in the sweet sixteen this weekend!! Go Panthers!!

I really have always loved the stories of overcoming and finding success when it is least expected! I think God wires all of us that way, whether or not we embrace it, is up to us. There are so many stories in the bible demonstrating these very same scenarios, David and Goliath was just the most obvious to me, until I really started to think about it.

Jesus was born in a manger. He was born homeless, next to a bunch of animals and all that goes with the animals. (Hint: it was probably really stinky!) His earthly parents weren’t married. He grew up poor and most people didn’t believe He was the Messiah. In the end, one of his devoted followers gave him over to the authorities, another one denied he even knew him. He was whipped, beaten, spit on, stripped, and hung on a cross to die, while soldiers bartered over his clothing.

I can’t think of a bigger underdog. And he overcame it ALL!! He rose from the dead and has made a place for you and me!!! Yes!! Awesome!! I don’t think any of Christ’s life happened by coincidence and I think he wants us all to connect with the underdog!

I will be cheering on the University of Northern Iowa Panthers this weekend! Win or lose I am so thankful that even a basketball team from Iowa can help me remember the biggest underdog! And next weekend I will be cheering Him on as we celebrate Easter and His Victory over the cross. Yeah baby!!!

We don’t always know the impact we may have on someone and we may not know the impact someone has on us until a much later date. My older brother had a huge impact on my eternal life, actually on my whole family’s eternal lives. He became a Christian while attending college. He came home with all these strange ideas about a relationship with Christ and being born again. I am pretty sure my parents first reaction was one of concern, has he joined a cult, and then just annoyance because of their own ignorance at the time.

I was 15 years old when my family traveled to Minnesota to visit my brother at college and attend this Christian Concert he kept talking about. That night at the concert I accepted Christ as my savior! Praise God!! I wish I could say my life immediately turned around, but it didn’t, Christ waited and continued to have people plant seeds in my life.

If you think about the impact my brother has had on Gods Kingdom it is amazing. My family and all of our children, our children’s children, etc. My brother had a very successful career in broadcasting, I am sure he was planting seeds then too. And today he is a realtor and football coach which gives him the opportunity to meet many different kinds of people. I am confident God continues to use him.

During bible study recently the speaker made a statement that has stuck with me. She was talking about how non-believers see Christians ad she said this, “Our relationship with Christ doesn’t matter, what matters is our resemblance to him.” As a believer my relationship with Christ is the most important thing in my walk with him. As a non-believer, a person doesn’t really care about my personal relationship I have but they can be intrigued with the way I react to certain situations and crisis that comes my way. You just don’t know and can’t imagine the impact that one simple gesture or kind word that can help leads a person to Christ. The way we present ourselves as Christians is of the utmost importance. It is never about me or you. It is so much bigger than that. It isn’t about rule keeping or rule breaking. It isn’t about passing judgment or being the judge and jury. It isn’t about a pulpit and the numbers of people who hear you preach. It is about Love. Love that makes a person curious, love that is free flowing, and love that is always present and shows itself first when conflict arises. Love that demonstrates itself in a simple gesture, which can lead to a question, and then to a conversation, that then plants a seed.
Our desire to resemble Christ can have a huge Impact. This Thanksgiving impact is what I am thankful for. I pray that my actions will follow my hearts desire and I will have impact with my family, friends, strangers, believers and non-believers.

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. John 13:34 (NIV)

“I forgive you” my daughter says when she has been punished for something naughty she has done. When a favorite toy is taken from her for a “time out”, immediately she tells me she forgives me. Even though this really isn’t they way forgiveness is supposed to work, it stuck in my head and I started thinking about people or situations I needed to forgive and hadn’t.

I am almost positive that the God of the Universe didn’t reserve his forgiveness just for me. Why then do I withhold forgiveness from anyone? One of the worst things about withholding forgiveness isn’t really about what you are denying the person who has offended you; it is what that withholding can do to your own heart.

If you are anything like me, (sorry, but there has to be at least one person out there) holding on to the offense in some situations can become a kind of obsession. Like the care and devotion required to grow a bonsai tree. They require just the right amount of water; sun light, temperature and constant pruning. You want to tell others how you have been hurt (another sin by the way); you will play out different scenarios in your head where you get to seize revenge on your offender and cause humiliation for them. Oh, what sweet revenge, right? But what actually happens, is a drift from the One who has forgiven you millions of times over and over again. The offense starts to poison your heart and if left untreated it can become like a cancer consuming all of you. And this could be just one instance!!!! This cancer will invite other cancers to come and take up residence in your heart, like bitterness, resentment, guilt, shame, fear and even hate. If you are not proactive you could end up with a heart that has no room for the love of Christ and seems to be covered in a thick black tar called pride and self righteousness.

Those of you who are different than me, tend to never acknowledge that there was any type of wrong doing in the first place instead you internalize your hurt by not speaking about it at all. You say nothing and act as if nothing has happened and if any emotion regarding the hurt starts to show itself you immediately push it back into a nice little box next to all of the other hurts you are carrying around. Guess what? That doesn’t work either. Sooner or later all of those boxes will start to bulge and rip, until finally they can hold no more and it starts to ooze out the sides, until an explosion happens and you end up spewing all of that pent up hurt, resentment and bitterness on everyone around you. It reminds me of a pair of jeans I once owned. I loved those jeans. I loved them so much that even after I had out grown them I still jammed myself into them, contorting my body into all kinds of strange positions and asking for assistance from girlfriends to get them on, until one day after getting them on they burst! I do mean burst! The button went flying off and the zipper completely ripped out. I felt a very deep sadness that the jeans had finally quit on me but also a very distinct sense of relief. I am pretty sure that was my spleen and a few other internal organs sensing the release in pressure.

We are human and forgiveness isn’t going to come naturally for most of us but God has commanded us to forgive and more than that he has also commanded us to go to the person who has offended us. This is not always an easy thing to do especially if the person who has hurt you is not a Christian. If that is the case, you are not off the hook, seek wise counsel from your pastor or a Christian mentor and make plan, realize that the person may not hear you and accept your forgiveness. The most important thing is that you truly forgive and move on.

Please don’t mistake forgiveness with forgetting. There are some hurts that still require you to forgive but not to forget what has happened. We still need to protect our selves from situations that could put us or others in danger.

I am committed to becoming more like my daughter and immediately asking for and giving forgiveness, to keeping the cancers out of my heart, realizing when the jeans don’t fit anymore and living the life God has planned for me!

Living as a Christian doesn’t always get you a lot of glory. In fact, doing the right thing whatever that may be, rarely leads to praise or accolades from peers. It is what we are supposed to do. Live right. Love each other. Have a humble heart. Love Christ.

Honestly, I struggle with this some days. To make myself humble and put someone else’s desires before mine does not come naturally to me. Holding my tongue when I feel I have been wronged is even more of a challenge. And when I do what is right it doesn’t always feel as good as when I let off a little steam and tell someone exactly how I feel.

It is my hearts desire to live as Christ would have me live but it is a discipline. Not only do I need to continually remind myself of how I need to handle certain situations but some of my best meaning friends can keep me from living this way just by feeding my ego and telling me what I want to hear. I want to hear that I am right and if I think I have been treated unfairly, I want someone to agree with me! But a friend in Christ isn’t always going to massage my ego. They are going to continually challenge me to live better and keep me on the path that Christ would have me on. I am so blessed to have friends like this. I want to be a friend like this.

Recently, a group of my girlfriends and I were talking and the subject of meekness came up. Meek, not a pretty word. Short and simple but when I picture someone I considered to be meek, it is not a person who stands tall and strong, quite the contrary. In Rick Warren’s online daily devotional he described meekness this way,

“The ability to control our reactions, to handle hurt without retaliating is called meekness. Jesus promised, “Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth” (Matthew 5:5 NIV). Meek people control their reactions toward life and this gives them far more control over a situation than if they simply react.

If you are a meek person, you are no longer a victim. You control your choices. The best definition of meekness in the Bible is Proverbs 16:32: “. . . It is better to win control over yourself than over whole cities” (TEV).

WOW!!! Not what I had pictured at all! Brace yourselves, I want to be meek!! That is something I never thought I would write, but it is true! I want the desire to always be right, gone. I want to live a life where I am in complete control of my actions and reactions. What freedom in that. No more being the victim.

Jesus desires us to live this way. He breaks the chains that bind. If we open ourselves to His teachings and the plan He has for our lives, one day we will stand before Him in all of His Glory and will hear Him say, “Well done my good and kind servant.”

Truly that is all the praise I need.

If you would like to read more about meekness or Rick Warren’s Purpose Driven Life daily devotional click here.

Fear, what a great motivator. Fear of punishment can get my children to obey me in 3 seconds flat. Well, okay maybe not 3 seconds flat but eventually when I count loud enough, make a certain face and use a certain tone then they obey….almost always.
As an adult I can see fear “work” in my children and unfortunately I have seen/lived the destruction it can cause in “grown ups” lives.
Fear usually is the root for all anger. Anger is our feeble attempt as humans to cover up the fear and live bravely, powerfully, in charge…..this is the lie that the evil one counts on us to believe to further his plan for our lives! Have you ever really watched someone who is really mad? Is there any part of that person that seems in control? They may seem intimidating at the time but if you really stop to analyze the situation they are really afraid. Afraid of the inability to control you or the situation, afraid of the situation, afraid of listening and looking at themselves and what they may discover.
I believe that the cause of fear starts with pride. It is easy right now for me to type out that I struggle with my pride, which typically results in fear, that leads to anger…but put me out in the real world where I am caught up in a moment where my pride feels threatened and I may not back down so easily.
The worst part is that pride, my belief that I have any control and anger all come from Satan and that is not who I want to live my life like.
Jesus Christ is my goal. I will never be as He was but I want to try and live my life to please Him.
Humble myself, (I don’t always have to be right), Love unconditionally, give grace freely, forgive all things, and rest in His promises!!!
He keeps us all safe from our imagined or real monsters under our bed.

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

When I stop and really think of all of the women in my life and how blessed I am because I have them in my life, I am humbled.

My husband and I have lived in seven different states over the last 18 years.  We have met some of the most amazing people and made lifelong friendships along the way.  I also have two incredible biological sisters, two extraordinary sister-in-laws, a wonderful mom and a loving mother-in-law.  God has provided exactly what, who, when and where at just the right time…imagine that!

These women have encouraged me, humbled me, taught me, held me, prayed for me, cried for me and with me, laughed at me and with me, but most of all loved me!!  And I have been told, that is not always an easy thing to do!!!  It would be foolish if I didn’t mention the fact, that besides my family, my girlfriends have given me the most material to write about!!!  Thank you ladies!!

The bond between sisters biological or chosen never ceases to amaze me!  I cant wait to continue on our journey together.  It may not always be easy going but together with Christ as our guide, I know it will be life changing!!!