I am failing. I feel most days truly like a failure. In Webster’s dictionary Failure is defined as: The condition or fact of not achieving the desired end or Nonperformance of what is requested or expected.

Why do I feel this way? How am I failing? I feel I am failing because I continue to struggle everyday with the understanding of God’s plan for my life. I want change. I want my life to be easier. I want to have a heart that is filled with joy and only spills out joy and love to everyone around me. I want to be in control of my emotions with the people I love. I want to feel love for all of the people I know I should love.

I want God to hear my cries today and answer me, now. Clearly, answer me, tell me it will be better and here is how it is going to get better. I cling to his promises for my life, but doubt the reality in my life today.

I can’t stop myself from feeling unheard, unworthy, and I know that these feelings and beliefs come only from the evil one and that makes me feel like I am failing again.

I want to be a better mom. I want my children to always feel love from me never fear. I want to be able to step back take a breath and have patience with my children, but my tank feels so empty.

I want to be a better wife. I want to feel grace for him. I want to be his biggest cheerleader. I want to have respect for him even when he hurts me. I want him to feel safe in our relationship.

I want to be a better friend. I want my friends to always feel like they are being built up, never torn down by me. I want them to trust me. I want them to need me as much as I desperately need them.

I want to be a better daughter. I want my parents to always feel appreciated and honored. I want my mother-in-law to feel like I am honoring to her son. I want to make my parents proud.

I want to be a better sister. I want to always have time for my siblings when they need me. I want to stay connected with them. I want to remember/ask about what is going on in there lives and listen to them.

I want to be a better child of God. I want to know in my soul that my heavenly father doesn’t think I am a failure. I want to hear his voice. I want always to honor him; in want I say and do.

I am not there yet. I am trying. Pray for me. Pray for a heart that continues to desire these changes even when I only feel failure. Pray for me to be able to see change in myself no matter how small.

Pray for me to embrace the gift of grace during my journey, and stay the course; don’t take the easy way around anything I need to change.